Aichi Prefecture, 21:55,
On the bed. Just showered and had warm milk. The weather is getting colder day by day and waking up for Fajr is more challenging than ever. But thanks to my extra loud alarm, I bet it wakes my neighbor too.
This week, so far things at work are manageable and I’m not stressed out as usual, and I think it has to do with me being more accepting towards myself and the situation I chose to be in.
And by accepting myself is actually being conscious about my own self, my traits and my weakness. Working in a foreign country, or even a new environment, you can’t help but start comparing yourself to everyone else.
Questioning every single decision and your mind just start the episodes of “what ifs” and recall every regret. It is just inevitable. What’s worse is when bad thoughts start seeping in. It’s painful and dark at times.
And the loneliness..is the most challenging.
But what I want to put out here is the importance of understanding your pace and realizing your situation. And I’m writing this from a point of view of a shy girl (yes that’s me).
I am so hard to open up to strangers and take a long time to really be close to someone. Which is why it is took me months, or even years to be really comfortable with a person,
or a place.
Often I feel like I’m living someone else’s life, thinking “this can’t be my life. I’m so bad at everything” or even “omg aku dah tertukar badan dengan orang lain ka” hahaha ok over drama
This is because we tend to project someone else’s life onto our own, we pay so much attention to someone else’s life and subconsciously stop caring for our need. What our soul needs.
What my soul needs
This is where faith and self-consciousness play important roles. As a Muslim, working towards being closer to Allah is the key. And by this, I mean in a situation or moments that you feel everything does not seem to work out, or there is no visible light at the end of the tunnel, your heart calls out to Him.
It’s the moment where loneliness creeps through the air around you, and your heart calls out to Him.
It’s the moment where your mind is too loud, everything is a mess inside, and still
your heart calls out to Him.
These moments really matter. And it’s these small, short, almost instinctive moments are the seeds that would grow into strength afterwards.
Next is accepting your situation and realizing that you have to make sacrifices. It’s a process of life. Everything is a process of life.
Failure, feeling down. Feeling like shit, angry, anxious for no reason.
But know this, you choose the harder path, hurdles will be harder. THAT is the price you pay, the sacrifice you have to make. Life is no rainbow 24/7.
This is no heaven, yet.
To know oneself is the greatest thing ever. I envy those who knows what they want and have clear goals in life. Their confidence just shine through. I may not be on that level yet, but I’m still trying to know myself lately. It is a journey and it should take time. Being an awkward and shy girl like myself, living oversea might seem like a bad idea, let alone working here. Which is one of the reason I started a making videos, to express myself more. I find it really unhealthy to bottle everything up and caring too much about people’s assumptions.
What scares me the most is growing old having more regrets than happy memories. I mean, going all the way here, the least I could do for myself is just pick up any trace of strength I have and nurture them from within. And lose some weight too, gosh..I’ve had too much ice cream already, and cold season isn’t helping either.
I guess I’m writing this as an advise to future me, to stop myself from overthinking unnecessary things and tiring myself from it. The grass is always greener on the other side.
Get over it already, bib.
Thank You for reading (wow you really read until the end) <3 <3